TRAUMA over generations

Whenever I chat to parents about a child who is distressed, not coping or fitting in, withdrawn or challenging, I ask first about family trauma because this can be resolved for all the family. I observe a clear link between past family trauma and a distressed child or teenager. Focussing on survival affects brains and bodies and they can get stuck in survival mode, even once the hardship or trauma has passed.

We are glad when musical, creative and other talents are passed onto our children. We know that asthma, bronchitis and hay fever run in families, as do other health issues. Trauma affects breathing, so it makes sense to consider that trauma can be passed on to next generations thorough breathing patterns, like asthma can be inherited. The effects of trauma can also continue into next generations through transgenerational transmission: an experimental science exploring how everything that happens during a life-span (nurture) affect biological heredity (nature).

Trauma is very common, yet most people have buried it. You’d be surprised by how many people say ‘No,’ if I ask them if there has been any trauma in their family, then go on to tell me about situations that suggest deep trauma for their parents or themselves. This trauma could be something like wars, fleeing as refugees, hardship, poverty, starvation, work stress, loneliness or bereavement. Previous generations may have had a tough, maybe almost impossible life, when they had to focus on survival, possibly living through trauma for long periods. This then locks the body into survival mode, rather than wellbeing.

 Some may have had trauma during childhood. This can be neglect: physical or emotional; shock or serious illness; having a physically absent parent or one not being present through their own struggles such as anxiety, depression, anger, addictions or overwork; school stress: from having to manage dyslexia, struggling to read aloud in class, not being picked for teams, being bullied, laughed at, discriminated against or humiliated, crying under the bedclothes every night. Not having someone to turn to, for comfort, reassurance or fun, to feel closely connected to can be traumatic for years. Reassurance always needs to be along the lines of ‘I understand,’ rather than ‘You’ll be fine’.

Lack of ease with connection may have been building up over generations or with the arrival of a distressed, struggling or non-communicating child – a big trauma for families: practically, socially, emotionally. Yet I have always found that children who may have severe delay with their communication skills, want to connect deeply with others. We can nurture their communication skills internally, in their environment and by how we communicate with them.

If you have a child who is struggling to manage everyday life, it is time to heal these past traumas. My book, Hyper and Happy, is nearly ready to help you.